I think about suicide almost every day. Sometimes when I see a household chemical or am prescribed a new medication for something I look up to see if death can be caused when it is ingested. I just found out that Something I've had on hand for quite some time can paralyze the lungs and kill you if overdosed, bu then I read on to discover that it is a very slow and horrific experience similar to being suffocated.
In my Binge Blog, I wrote about my last bout of major depression. I had it all figured out. I was going to visit my mom, steal her Baretta and the bullets that she kept in its case, and blow my brains out in her basement. I was going to do this on a Monday afternoon, after I spent the morning having a visit with my son. I planned on doing this immediately after he left.
The Saturday before I had this lined out, my mom called me to inform me that her house had been robbed by my brother who is severely addicted to Oxycontin, Duragesic patches, Vicodin, well, anything he can get his hands on. He was always the better sibling, favoured by my mother on every level, always spoiled and given handout to constantly. On this particular Saturday, he brought his baby over to play with my mom. My brother left the baby with my mom in the kitchen. Since my mom only has one leg and had an infant on her lap, this made an opporotunity for my brother to have time to basically runsack the house while she sat there with the child. He stole her fucking gun.
I was so angry. What about my plan? God damn it. I looked at it as a sign that I needed to stick around a bit longer. I'm kind of glad that I did because a couple of weeks I had a life changing experience with my best friend.