I've always hated men for being emotionally retarded, mentally lazy beings, but at the same time I envy them for being this way. I'm sick of being a psucho female. I know I'm crazy, and being a woman only adds to my being unstable.
I'm so insecure that whenever I find that my boyfriend is paying attention to an attractive female character in a movie or a television show that it instantly ruins it for me. This is part of the reason why I prefer to watch things alone. Half of the time he doesn't even notice the comments he makes toward other women he's attracted to. I try my hardest not to say anything about my noticing his interest in these things. I don't want to be called a psycho, or a crazy bitch...but I eventually make myself look three times crazier when I bring it up waaaay after the fact and he can't even remember what I'm getting pissed about...OR is it that he's just pretending to not remember...cos he's one of those deceptive things with a penis.
I really don't think guys can even tell when they gawk or make inappropriate comments when there is an attractive female around. It isn't their fault that I'm sensitive and can sense these things like a drug dog outside of a locker containing a coat pocketful of roaches. I'm not just being crazy about this shit, I just read people well. It doesn't bother me that my man is showing interest in other women, it bothers me that they never look ANYTHING like I do. Then I get insecure. I feel like "if you're so attracted to women that are built like 13 year old boys, than why are you with a short, fat, redhaired girl with big tits?"
My bisexuality only makes this an even harder hill to climb. I'm constantly told by my partners that I'm allowed to sleep with women in front of them, but I'm not allowed to fuck them on my own. When a guy sees a generi looking attrative woman, I'm always nudged by guys that are aware of my gayness, like I'm going to be attracted to them just because I fuck girls. Never mind the fact that some people have a little thing called taste...
The plain truth is that I hate women that are considered attractive by a general population of men. I just started watching a programme on tv and I was quite fond of it. But then...a ridiculously attractive female character came into the story. As soon as this happened I knew that eventually the lead character was going to end up fucking her. I knew it. Since when does a remotely chubby or girl with a messed up grill get even the role of fuckbuddy for a lead role in a show as his fuckbuddy or girlfriend???---uh, never. Of course, halfway thru the season the bitch ended up a fuckbuddy to the lead character. *note that my boyfriend had no interest in the show until this woman was introduced as a character. UGH. It is now ruined for me. He watches it. I don't. I just looked over. Like, seventy fuckscenes inserted into this damn thing since she came into it. GOd damn it.
I apologize for my free form confusing writing, but there's so much that people don't get about a woman's insecurities that are AMPLIFIED by the stupid little things that men say and do.
I just have to accept the fact that I hate attractive people. They ruin everything for women, I hate that it's this way, but it is. Fat and even blatently UGLY guys don't have this problem. In fact, I've dated a few pretty chubby guys and a couple of ugly guys and they still prefer to date women that are built like thriteen year old boys, and it sucks for me to know that just because I'm not thin, I will NEVER be treated like a beautiful woman or a goddess by anyone as long as I live. I'm not even really that fat, and I am pretty, but it's not enough. It will never be enough.