Take advice from fuckups.they're the only ones that can tell you about the bottom & how to avoid it


Sunday, February 7, 2010

Loving loathing ones I love

I wish for once in my life I could meet someone who I hold absolutely no resentment toward. It seems like no matter how much I love or respect someone, I always hold some kind of bitterness for something about them. Their looks, their situations, their job, their boyfriend, their taste, their interests...anything is up for my picking at it. I don't understand it. I don't know if it's some kind of defense mechanism so that when they disappoint me it will be easier for me to wholly ignore and dislike them, or if it's just that I'm simply nothing more than an unappreciative asshole. I'm fearful that I will eventually end up secretly despising new people in my life and they will have done nothing to deserve it. Looking back at everyone whom has fallen victim to this whole outlook of mine I have noticed that everyone else did deserve it at some point in time, but what about the times when they didn't? It's like I can't let even the simplest of things "go". As faggy as it sounds, I really truly believe that absolutely no one "gets" me and that I am completely alone in this world. The one person I have that comes the closest still isn't close enough because he's a man, and I just can't accept that any man could completely understand a woman...but that's a whole 'nother topic.
Sometimes I wish that I'd just do enough drugs or get into some kind of car accident that would result in severe head trauma so that my brain damage could wipe out the way my brain functions. It isn't anyone else in my life's fault for the rotten things that other people have done to me, yet I continue to make everyone in my life pay for others' wrongdoing toward me. Not only that, but I involuntarily find little niches about people whom I admire and respect and just cut them down in my mind to the point that I begin to feel stupid or guilty for being their friend or lover. Sometimes I wonder if I should just completely shut myself off from everyone, but then I get lonely and, even worse than lonely, I get BORED. It's total insanity..."Love me love me love me...play with me, tell me I'm cool, EW! You disgusting retch! How dare you complain to me about your life! Look at mine!..." etc, etc,...
Maybe part of it IS boredom. Maybe I have such an insatiable charcter that I grow tired of everyone as quickly as I do everything. That isn't right. I shouldn't be treating people as though they're breakfast cereal...but what can I do to stop it?

1 comment:

  1. I know this feeling....it's probably not that uncommon. Nobody is perfect....and I tend to find something that irritates me about everyone, even if I am fond of them and all. Maybe they feel the same way about me though, if they are not immune from this themselves!

    At times they do deserve it....at times not. Hell can at times be other people, but I am not one to isolate myself either...unless I am feeling a real moody bitch, in which case it is best I do as I get to be a real grumpy cow at times!