I'm finally figuring out part of the reason why I hate attractive people more than ever right now...it's jealousy, but it's on such a weird level that it's going to sound completely nuts once I try to explain it...because it is.
Yeah. I was totally sexually abused as a toddler/young child...and I'm going to make an educated guess that my being abused has plenty to do with the fact that (brace yourself-it's messd up...) since an extremely young age I have strived to be sexually attractive toward others, mainly men. When other little girls were wishing for a frou frou princess dress, I was taking dirty pictures of myself. I remember being sexually attracted to men and boys earlier than primary school age. I wouldn't think about how much I wanted a boy to share his candy with me or how badly I wanted the male substitute teacher to call on me in class, I wanted them to assault me.
Even though I had these fantasies of being insanely hot, I still knew that I wasn't. I did, however, learn that as long as she's not a total dog, a girl can screw just about anyone she wants to. Times have changed, and so have my looks. I used to be able to pass for cute despite my flat booty, wide hips, pale skin, and scars... I once had other qualities that were intriguing about me that could make up for what was ugly. Everything at this point is just ugly on top of ugly. I don't have any way to pass for attractive in any way anymore and IT'S REALLY GETTING TO ME.
What it really comes down to is that I'm extremely upset about the fact that no man will probably ever look at me and think "I wanna fuck her", ever, ever again. I can't stand to think of how stupid I look when I go anywhere...all trying to be cute...it must make me look like a total ass. The thing is, though, I hate to think that I'm just gonna have to start dressing like a dyke. It's the only way I can look halfway decent without just looking like a gross girl that tries too hard. IT doesn't help that I have an odd fashion sense and would feel incredibly uncomfortable in contemporary fashions that are more available for me. I'm always afraid I'll have what I call the "fat girl at a wedding reception" look.
I'm getting old. I don't want to. I'm getting fatter. I don't want to. I'd really almost rather die than be unfuckable.