Take advice from fuckups.they're the only ones that can tell you about the bottom & how to avoid it


Friday, March 26, 2010

Self Medicating...

I have suffered from severe depression and anxiety for most of my life. The first time I attempted suicide I was six years old. I tried to hang myself from a coat hook on my bedroom door with a ribbon dancer toy. Obviously, I was unsuccessful. I am pretty sure that my mental illness can be attributed to post-traumatic stress from my enduring years of sexual, physical, emotional, and mental abuse. However, I have yet to find proper and effective treatment for these disorders.
I joke about my depression often, but the honest to god truth is, no matter how pompous or corny it sounds, if I don't find an effective avenue of treatment, they could very well end up being the cause of my death. People poke fun at those of us who suffer from depression and anxiety, often calling us weak, lazy, unmotivated, stupid, rebellious, etc., but the fact remains that people suffering from mental illness are all too often imprisoned, institutionalized, improperly medicated, and wind up DEAD as either a direct or indirect result of these illnesses. I have seen the results from all sides from having been incarcerated and institutionalized myself.
I have been placed on several antidepressants and antianxiety medications throughout the course of my young life only to find that these sometimes severely addictive and dangerous chemicals have done nothing but cause me further trouble. I have been prescibed these drugs by doctors that were very impersonal, condascending, and sometimes downright rude toward me, which has been the cause of my hostile and calloused feelings toward psychiatric medical professionals. I simply did not like being on any of these medications. They either made me feel lethargic, gave me terrible mood swings, turned me into a zombie, or caused other side effects, sexually, physically, and mentally. They made things, like art and activities, that I had previously taken solace in unenjoyable as they had seemingly stripped me of any emotional entanglement I had through them. They caused turmoil within my personal relationships due to the fact that I could not enjoy sex or meaningful conversation with anyone. Not only did these meds' effects just generally SUCK, but they were also dangerous for me to have on hand due to the fact that any time the urge struck me I could ingest a lethal dose of them.
You know what drug has NO lethal dose? THC. I am in no way an overzealous overly educated hippie that drones to others about marijuana legalization because I simply want to get stoned. However, I KNOW that when I ingest small controlled amounts of marijuana throughout the day, it helps to fight my depressive episodes. I HATE smoking pot. It makes me choke, I think it tastes like shit, it makes me cough, gag, and sometimes VOMIT when I smoke it. I don't like being totally ripped. That makes me uncomfortable, paranoid, nauseous, fidgity, or lethargic. It would be nice to be able to have the means to ingest this drug with comfort, like through a vaporizer, or through tinctures, pills, or oils that could be taken orally. Since I am not a raging pothead, it is very difficult for me to obtain any pot at all, let alone enough of it to put it through any kind of process that could extract its THC for a more accomidating and effective consumption for my personal use. I think it's bullshit that some asshole that just wants to get fucking loaded by wasting ridiculous amounts of pot (and money) by doing bong rips and rolling blunts can obtain obscene amounts of this stuff with great ease, while I, a person who kind of needs its psychoactive properties, have to beg and grovel at shady peoples' toes just to get an overpriced tiny amount so that I can avoid feeling like I want to blow my brains out. So, all in all, I DO believe that the legalization of marijauna is logical, even FOR the people that are just simple potheads. No one ever ODd on pot. It doesn't seem to make anyone violent. Whatever. What's the big fucking deal?
The big deal, as with ANY psychoactive substance is that at some point in its history, marijuana gained popularity with artists, musicians, writers, immigrants, and oppressed minority groups...THE KIND OF PEOPLE THAT STUCK-UP RICH WHITE CONSERVATIVE RELIGIOUS RIGHT WING CONSERVATIVE-TYPES DESPISE...and who had the power? Who had the upper hand? Those yuppie fucks with the cronies and the cash to make the necessary moves to further opress and hassle these people, that's who. The people who are afraid of pleasure and fun, whether or not they partake in it themselves, always have to find a way to ruin the fucking party, ignoring the fact that some of the things they put a ban on could potentially HELP someone. Why not put a legal ban on fentanyl, tylenol, pseudoephedrine, tobacco, or any other medication that causes significant physical harm to the human body? Because then it would have an effect on the corporate landscape and somebody's silk-lined pockets and Swiss bank accounts might turn out a little lighter, that's why. Pfizer, Astra-Zeneca, and other pharmaceutical companies might have to take a risk or do some extra paperwork.
As always, what it boils down to is STUPID PEOPLE WITH MONEY RULE EVERYTHING.


  1. Like your last line. So true.

    I have been diagnosed as clinically depressed. I feel your pain, sister.


  2. I hear you loud and clear! I'm currently not on any SSRIs for my anxiety and depression because of what you said about it making you lose interest in things you love doing, especially anything artistic. I have lost myself. I don't know who I am anymore. I am trying to get back into playing my bass and making my stained glass but I'm still having issues getting motivated enough to bother.
    It's been about a month since I have taken a pill I think.. I hope this clears up soon.

    I suffer from really bad IBS, probably a result of my anxiety and pot really helps with the pain. I can be doubled over in crippling pain and as soon as I have a few tokes from a J, it vanishes.

    I really wish the powers that be would legalize it. My hubby smokes it for his back problems.

    Fortunately for us, we live in Canada where it's not as harsh a punishment should you get caught with a personal stash.

    I hear California is making it pretty damn easy to get medical marijuana...

    I think the war on drugs in the states is a complete bullshit waste of time, money and prison space. Of course, that would mean a bunch of bigwigs would have to admit that they were wrong...good luck with THAT! :/

  3. Andie, you are heading in the right direction with your comment, however I would take it one step further and say it is a war on people. I mean drugs are an inanimate object, an abstract concept and to declare a 'war' on them is like declaring a war on cars, or a war on flowers.
    But I digress. M.E., your comment does ring true with a lot more people than you think and those observations on medical 'assistance' and the pharmaceutical industry are unfortunately all too true in many cases.
    As regards THC self medication, I'm hearing you. Personally I can't stand it as it makes me sit in a corner going 'what was that??!!' or 'Did I just say that or think that?'. Or I just go on really long monologues and forget what I'm saying 3/4 of the way through.
    That said though, it does help many people in many ways, whether it is smoked, cooked or swallowed. That says to me, and it has said to a couple of shrewd forward thinking drug companies, that THC can be ingested AND be made into a marketable product.
    Hence we do have pills (duh, I forget the name of) delivering THC to people.
    BUT my argument is why should people have to go through official channels to get this expensive form of medication?
    This is where I think your comment is pertinent. The economics of legalisation not decriminalisation could indeed hurt the feelings of those who do like to think they have the power to influence government decisions which would make their overstuffed bank accounts even more bloated.
    Did that rant make sense to you? I hope so. I kinda trailed off a bit I think.
    I better check the new DSM V and see if I have some kind of new fangled 'disorder' that can be cured by ingesting large amounts of psychotropics...
    Take care girl, and write on....