Take advice from fuckups.they're the only ones that can tell you about the bottom & how to avoid it


Friday, March 12, 2010

What's Killing Me

How cliche to be writing underneath a street light.

The small amount of analgesics coursing through my blood began to wear off only to come back with a vengeance after a meal leaving my body feeling a familiar warmth. The warmth started to become uncomfortable and initiated the urgency to go outside for cool fresh air and cigarettes. While pacing the lot of my apartment complex I something sparked a chain of rapidly changing thoughts about recent situations. Then my pondering about myself and others made me wonder, and with the wonder came worry. I realized that my latest obsession is with none other than myself. What I'VE done...What I am doing...How people feel about ME...what I wish I could be...etc.
My own hangups are catching up with me. My insecurities may have caused paranoia, discomfort, and conflict...and they all may have been brought on by delusional scenarios in my head. I don't know. I'm too afraid to ask anyone around me whether my irratability is valid or rational. I'm scared that I may be turning into a clusterfuck combination of people I said I never wanted to be like. I don't know the proper way to go about dealing with this. I don't know how to fix any problems I've caused for myself, nor do I know how to heal any damage I may have done.
On top of all of the bullshit in my head and that my head has caused, I have the overwhelming weight of the chaos I'm in and am facing regarding everything else in my life. All of the roles I play are distorted versions of themselves. My roles as mother, sister, friend, lover, and daughter have all been so skewed and poisoned. I'm estranged from most of my friends and family. I'm afraid of the pain and disappointment that only friendships, partnerships, and LOVE can cause. I'm uncertain about my relationships with men due to the fact that I hate everything that men stand and strive for. I'm completely petrified about how everything iseffecting my son and often wonder if he even sees me as his mother.
Nothing is sure...and it's becoming more and more difficult to make even the simplest of decisions a person has to make on a daily basis. At this point it seems easier and less frightening to not do anything at all...but it isn't easy...I have to do something. I have to figure this shit out and fix everything the best I can instead of making myself believe that I'll be dead soon enough and not have to worry about any reprecussions for my actions or lack thereof. I don't know where to start.

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