Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Look at this pile o' shit.
Being unimpressed with everything has become a devastating blow to my outlook, my character, and my interpersonal relationships. I keep feeling the aching need to experience or view something monumental and overwhelmingly beautiful, but it seems at this point that anything that could come remotely close to rejuvinating my sense of hope and wonder is out of reach and unavailable to me. Any means of exploring my surroundings are virtually non-existent or just simply not appealing. It's disheartening to realize that I have no sanctuary, no escape, no asylum. Everything outside my door is so bleak and disparaging that I'd sooner stay inside and conserve my energy, which is laughable in itself because I really don't even have any energy to spare. Everything I have the option of experiencing offers nothing but sending my mind into a negative frenzy. Contempt, jealousy, bitterness, anger, fear, and regret seem to be the only elements present within my thoughts. I'm so nasty, both inside and out. I don't even want to bathe. I don't have the drive to keep my surroundings comfortable and clean. Anything I've previously taken solace in has diminished in its quality. It's sickening and daunting to think that I'm only 27 years old and I'm already bored with everything I have access to because it's very apparent that what is available to me at this point is what I am going to be stuck with for the rest of my useless life. I have no way of achieving anything a normal fuctioning and productive adult would participate in to enlighten or entertain oneself due to the fact that I'm caught up in a catch 22 from every angle in my life. No transportation. No money to fix the transportation problem. No way to gain fulfilling employment. No means of receiving education. I can't take a class. I can't go on a vacation. I can't plant a garden. I can't take some kind of lessons to improve any of the worthless skills I possess. As terrible as it sounds, I kind of just wish that I would be stricken with some kind of terrible illness so that I would at least have an excuse to waste away the way it feels like I am. I've turned into such a complacent unappreciative brat. I've lost my faith in everything. I've become a fucking drag to be around and I know it. That's why I've cut myself off from everyone and everything. It's sounds so whiney and dumb, but I really feel like I'm just biding my time until the day comes that I am fortunate enough to receive death. It's so sad. I don't even have the means to kill myself. Well, I guess I could slit my wrists, eat poison, or find a way to hang myself, but I just can't find the power within myself to do it. I've been spending my time alone sheepishly pussyfooting around poisons, blades, and binding instruments...holding them in my hands...completing the superficial first steps...only to put them down and continue sitting on my ass in silence. I also begin the rituals of completing projects...writing, singing, drawing, playing my guitar...but the motivation to complete them never arises. I always feel like "what's the point"...I'm not good enough. It isn't going to make me feel any better. It isn't going to fix anything that's damaged. Nothing will come of it. I can't even jack off or eat. I've become so insecure that I don't even feel comfortable singing to myself. I feel a constant agitation in my brain and in my gut that I cannot find an effective way to extinguish. Sometimes I feel the urge to literally slap the piss out of my own face. I could seek help for the disorders that ail me, but I wouldn't even have a way to keep the appointments required to do so. Sometimes I feel like I should just throw myself into some godawful neighborhood and taunt someone that appears to be menacing in character until they beat me senseless or kill me, but really, what are the odds that that will happen? I'd just end up stranded somewhere scary and be even further disappointed and saddened when it became clear that there is no one that gives enough of a fuck to come pick me up. As a matter of fact, I don't even know why I'm writing this shit, so, I'm going to stop. Ugh.
Posted by MainliningEyeliner at 1:05 PM