Tired-ass bullshit

MY back hurts. It started out about a week ago as a dull ache. It just kept getting worse and it's starting to become unbearable. I managed to hustle up some pharmeceuticals, and have been taking them accordingly as needed, but somehow along the way I ended up with a few Klonopin. I'm gonna need them.
I have a job interview on Wednesday for a home health care company that needs a part time caretaker for a disabled person two days a week. This is the work I know. It should be a nice gig for me. However, there's always the question of whether or not I can lift anyone with a fucked back, how the fuck am I gonna get to work, and there's a pretty damn good possibilty I won't even get fucking hired if they end up doing a background check on me. I suppose I'll take a klonopin before the interview and hope my ass off that they don't do a background check.
Then I have a meeting on Friday with my kid's foster parent to discuss the arrangements in the open adoption. I'm fucking terrified that at some point these people are going to fuck me over on seeing Royal. They have every legal right to after the papers are signed. In the state of Illinois, once the papers are signed, it's a done deal, I'll basically be at their mercy. I'm so scared they're going to insult my intelligence and take advantage of me. I suppose I'll have a Klonopin before this meeting, too.
For some reason I get the feeling that I'm on thin ice with my boyfriend. He hasn't been very caring, nurturing, or comforting lately. He's been getting snappy and bitchy about really trivial things like dinner and whether or not there's any tea made. When I get to being in really bad pain, he gets displays signs of subtle anger and annoyment. I asked him the other night with tears in my eyes to rub some mint oil on the spot where my back hurts the worst to which he whiningly declined, then asked if I was going to make him dinner. He's grown increasingly selfish in bed despite the fact that making me do all the work causes me physical pain and makes me feel like he doesn't want me.
I feel ugly and fat. I'm hairy and I'm afraid to shave my naughty bits because I feel a breakout coming on and I don't want to take the chance of spreading it. Besides that I feel like there's no point in keeping myself groomed because I never get touched, kissed or licked anywhere but my face, so what's the point. I feel so disgustingly fat and ugly. I finally got to the point where I was getting a little bit of excersise, but I don't know if I should continue any of it because it puts me in so much pain during and afterward.
I'm broke and I'm sick of looking like a fat skank because I can't afford new clothes. It's getting harder and harder to even find tasteful clothes that look good on me since I'm a fucking cow with a mishapen ass, fat arms, big tits, and thick thighs...not to mention the disgusting flap of omentum from carrying an 8 lb baby full term right on top of my pelvic bone, then gaining weight...stretched loose skin, fat, and stretch marks...
no wonder no one wants to touch me.

I just need to face the fact that I'm ugly and useless. I don't have any kids. If I had any more, I couldn't take good care of them. I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to work any job that is available to me. I'm fat and ugly so I can't rely on my looks to land me any kind of gig.

I found a commune in Missouri that isn't full of green fags and vegetarians. It's full of potheads that make sandals all day. I'm thinking about just running away.