I was asked a pretty messed up question yesterday. I was on the phone with a pretty close buddy of mine. Poor guy. I called him to basically vent. I felt like an asshole that I had to rant to this dude of all people, but to tell you the truth no one else seems to give much of a shit or have any decent input to give. We were just kind of talking about all of the fucked up shit in our lives. I bitched about the perfect job that I'm not going to get. Then, he asked me...
"Shelly, with all the fucked up shit you've been through throughout the entire course of your life, including everything going on with Royal, you have to realize that you're mentally ill. You can't expected to be well. Why don't you just see if you can't get on Social Security?"
I thought about it. Me? Get a crazy check? Am I really that bad off? Aren't there people that have had shit way worse and that are way more crazy than I am that need that money?
Well, I can't get a job. Even if I did get hired by most of the places I apply at, I would be terrified of everyone, I'd fuck shit up during busy hours of the day because people make me nervous, I'd cry anytime anyone brashley complained at me, and my back would go out at some point and I'd probably end up having to quit. Besides that, I never even know how I'm gonna get to these places. I have to beg and plead to even get someone to take me to the store.
Maybe it's just unrealistic to think that I can live like a normal human being. I have so much shit going on in my head that I don't think I could handle anything else. There are certain things that I could see myself succeeding at doing for a living, but those kind of jobs are out of my reach unless I go to school. I have no clue how I'd even begin to get back into a college. I can't even finish the FASFA application for assistance. Too much paperwork I don't have. I don't know where my dad is. I don't know where my diploma is, not even in the county public records. I can't get a social security card.
People just don't get it. Maybe I do need a crazy check.