I'm freaking the fuck out about so much right now. I'm sorry, but this has to kind of be my diary for a while. I hate it when people post boring crap about uninteresting problems, but I don't know how else to deal with it.
My boyfriend is starting to do what every guy does once I'm with him a while...He's starting to be a dick to me. He won't take me ANYWHERE but Wal Mart, and that's only when we don't have a crumb to eat in the house. He wouldn't even take me to a job interview, but I'm sure he won't have a problem bitching at me about money anytime soon. I've basically become his blow up doll. He doesn't talk to me very much, we don't do much of anything together, and I'm afraid to confront him because I don't want the classic "I pay the bills so I get to be a dick to you" bullshit that I always end up hearing at some point in a relationship.
The people about to give me this job loved my resume. The interview went awesomely. I actually got told by one of the interviewers that he'd be really sad if he couldn't get me some work because I said everything he wanted to hear from someone he was hiring. I thought I flopped, but apparently I didn't. But...then...
they're gonna do a background check. I just became frozen with fear and told them I lied on my application. I told him I didn't have any felonies, and that I got picked up for stealing gas once. I left out the fact that the same time I was being arrested for the gas they found a piece of an unused bowl under my seat. I got charged with a paraphernalia ticket. They didn't even test it to see if it had resin on it. I also, of course, left out the obstruction of justice charge that's on my record that I have no fucking clue the origin of. I've never been arrested for such a thing in my life. The year the systems claim I caught this charge was one of the years I was in DOC. I couldn't have been arrested and had a trial for something while I was locked up. I think I would remember something like that. I never tell people about that because I'm sure they just think I'm full of shit. There's nothing I can do to have it taken off of my record or expunged, either. I have to hire a privately paid attourney and basically sue the state. Yeah. That totslly sound like something I can accomplish...IN DREAMVILLE.
Meeting with these foster parents that are probably adopting my son isn't gonna be no walk in the park, either. I'm so afraid they're gonna fuck me over. I don't know what I'll do. It would kill me if I let them take him and they keep him from me. IT sucks, too knowing that he'll never come home...and it sucks to face the fact that no matter how bad it hurts, I can't kill myself or go bananas. I would never want Royal to ever grow up wondering why I blew my brains out or became a degenerate. I don't want him to waste away in a miserable life with me, either, so I have to go through with it the adoption. I always wanted children. I love them. I always thought that if I had a kid I could feel good about putting someone out there that I always did my best to protect from the things I've been through and seen. Now I'm wondering if I should ever have another one. I don't want any child to be subjected to how damaged I am from the things I've been through and seen. I don't want to ever have to feel this kind of emptiness again, nor do I ever want my baby to have to feel the emptiness of having a mother that's not really in his/her life if ever the time comes where I find myself absent in any sense.
What am I going to do? I can't get a job, my boyfriend who supports me is going to dump me, I'm facing such monumental loneliness in giving up on everyone and everything in my life. But I have to. It's the only way I can stop being a burden to everyone I come in contact with.