I know it makes me sound like a fag, but I was looking back on the days when I still believed in God. I kind of miss them. What started it was I was reading something that ended up listing some bible verses in it when I had the sudden urge to sneeze...It made me think of the old dusty church I used to go to. Having bible verses in my eyes and allergic reactions going on in my nose brought back the smell of old musty good books and hymnals. For some reason, Bibles and hymnals always smelled old to me, even when they were new. It's hard to describe the feeling you get by reading something you believe to be the true word of god as a child, and it's even more difficult to try to compare it to how I feel when I read something like Bukowski now that I'm an adult. It sounds awful, but the truth is that faith felt better than 'this'. Since I don't believe in god anymore, my gods have more or less become my heroes...and my heroes are celebrities in some form or another. There's always the sting in the back of my head reminding me that these people are either dead and I will never have the chance to be in their presence or that they are human, and humans generally suck. It's really depressing to be let on that there isn't anything bigger than me because I know that I'm a piece of shit.
I wish I didn't know this.
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Tell me if I am speaking out of order here, but I know what you mean, but I look at it this way. Isn't it enough for us as human beings to look at a beautiful garden without having to believe there are fairies at the bottom of it too?
ReplyDeleteA lot of people (including myself) felt that sting in the tail when I awoke from the sleep of belief and embraced reason. That in and of itself is a beautiful thing because it comes from within, not without.
Marcus Aurelius once wrote:
Hast thou reason? I have.
Why then dost not thou use it?
For if this does its own work,
what else dost thou wish?
You will get there, however rough that journey may seem. Once you do the entire universe is open to you. Best wishes.