Take advice from fuckups.they're the only ones that can tell you about the bottom & how to avoid it


Thursday, May 6, 2010

The Best Guy I Never Talk About

Certain members of my family, and probably some of my friends, are going to be treating me like a worthless piece of shit for quite a while. Not that they ever treated me that great to begin with, but the shitstorm is on the horizon.
I have a son. I don't talk about him very often because I know no one wants to hear about how depressing the situation is with him. When he was about 9mos old, he was basically taken away from me because we were homeless. Certain members of my family made it worse by witholding information from me and sticking their nose in it, and he ended up in foster care. It's a fucking surreal nightmare. I know so many people that don't deserve to have their kids that don't even get investigated. It's about the only thing in my life that's too painful to even think about, let alone write about.
I have pretty much decided on going through a joint adoption with my son's foster parents. I have to. He's been there since he was one. They're well off and have adopted all of the rest of their foster kids except for mine because I was in the process of getting him back. However, due to Royal's (my son's) father being a sociopathic cokehead/alcoholic that keeps sticking his nose in this shit when he needs to leave it alone, and the fact that my attempt to get him back has repeatedly been foiled due to additions of requirements by the agency, transportation issues, and my lack of an extra bedroom, this ordeal has been stretched out for over two years. Since it has taken so long and because of Royal's dad's shenanigans, the case is up for termintation. Translation: This is going to be on trial for about another two years, I probably won't win it, and if I have any more babies while this trial is going on they can be instantly taken from me. I can't put this child through this anymore. He's getting older and smarter, asking questions and figuring out that shit isn't right. He is happy and healthy at this point, though. He loves his foster siblings. I know he loves me, too, as I do him, but I'm sure he also loves his foster parents. I can't take that away from him out of the selfishness of just wanting him with me.
I went through the system and it failed me miserably. I SHOULD HAVE been taken out of the household I grew up in, but I had to spend sixteen years in it. I ended up going to jail to escape. That's where I ended up surrounded by state kids. Prison is full of them. My son is at the end of the rope for being prime choice adoption age. Adoptees want babies and toddlers, not older kids and teenagers that most likely have been traumatized and have behavioral problems...that is, unless, they want to RAPE them, or use them for a check. I can't take the risk of allowing this to go on for two more years if that could potentially wind up happening to Royal. I know all too well where it ends.
Since the adoption will be open, I will be allowed to correspond with Royal throughout his life. I'll even get to visit him. It just sounds like this is the way to go if I want this boy to have a decent life. I'm doing this for him. I don't want to give up my child, anyone who would think that I want to do this is fucking nuts. I love him more than anything I've ever loved, and I want him to have a happy, comfortable life. I don't want him to ever know a hint of the pain and insanity that I've witnessed and endured. No child should ever know of it and I'll be god fuckin damned if I let mine go through it. I don't know why this is so hard for people to grasp. There are people that don't respect or support my decision at all, and THAT's hard for me to grasp.
Sorry. I'm sure no one wanted to hear that. Thanks if you did actually read it.


  1. Thank you for sharing that. I respect you for doing what is "probably" best for your son. The open adoption also allows you to "watch over" him in a subtle way.

    Kentucky has a lousy state system. A friend of mine used to be a foster mother and was a very good one. She did this for over a quarter of a century. The state gave her all kinds of trouble which were not in the best interest of the child but were little power plays and fiefdoms of he social workers. With all that supposed bureaucracy Kentucky has more infant deaths from child abuse than any other state, and in almost half of those deaths the child was under the "protection" of the state.

  2. You know? Fuck those who don't give a flying fuck about YOUR decisions and YOUR wishes.
    I wish you the best of luck for the best of all possible outcomes.

  3. I actually really enjoyed reading that one Shelly. Most likely because I have struggled with thoughts of whether or not I am fit to have my daughter with me most of the time the way I do now. I know how hard a descision this is. This is major but I think you may be in the right headspace about it. You have just displayed total unselfish love for your son by wnating him to have the best life possible and I can't imagine who would question that decision. It is excrutiatingly painful for you I am sure, and you need positive support no matter what your choice becaues it is just that, YOURS to make.
    Seriously, so many people would be selfish about this and I don't see one ounce of that coming from reading this post. Much luck with whatever happens and it takes a really, REALLY strong person to make the decision you are making.

  4. Clearly, you are putting Royal and what is best for him, first. That makes you a damn good mom.

    Hang in there.



  5. I don't know if any of you will look back on this to see if I have responded to your comments, but I still want to say thank you because they really made me feel less terrible about this decision that no one else seems to understand.