Every time I feel like I'm beginning to heal from the wounds I've been left with something comes along that grazes the areas just enough to open them back up. I received some nauseating confirmation yesterday concerning my abuser. It was elucidated that what I had always feared is true...I wasn't the only victim. To make matters worse, this other victim I have been informed of is a family member that I have always been very close to.
Coincidentally, it was also brought to my attention by a mutual friend and family member the same day that this other victim is having a really hard time. He's suicidal, having fits of rage, and self-mutilating. After hearing of this I asked my friend if he knew anything about the abuse. He did. He then told me what he remembered hearing about it, and it turns out that our abuser also included me in the abuse. As soon as this was said to me, I remembered parts of it. What's even more disturbing is that I remember both of us being punished by our mothers for being naked in the front yard afterward. I remember the both of us being chased with swatting sticks. The dirty part of it never popped into my head. I think that at the time, we were so innocent in our intentions that the sexual aspect of the event is something I can't recall.
I immediately felt guilt and nausea. Then, of course, I felt all-consuming anger. I wish I could track this fucker down and castrate him. How many more are there? How many people has he ruined? How many poor children have since grown to be neurotic, self-harming catastrophies because this piece of shit wanted to get his jollies off? I don't know what to do. I wish I could help, but I can't if I don't even know who all of them are. It's not like I can just go around asking every kid I used to be around "Hey, did my dad molest you?" I feel overwhelmed with guilt. But what could I have done? What can I do? What if this guy is still in business? I don't know what can be done to ensure that there are no more victims. This shit happened to us over 20 years ago. I can't have him incarcerated. I don't know if he's around any more children that he can hurt. I have no way of finding out, either. I feel so powerless.
Not only do I feel guilty and powerless, all of this is also bringing up so many feelings of worthlessness. I now know that all of these adults in my family knew that me and this other kid were abused but they did nothing to take me from that awful place nor did they report anything about the shit that happened to the other victim. It makes me feel like such a disgusting piece of shit to know that I wasn't worth saving. They left me to live with this fucking abusive pedophile for the remainder of my childhood.
I have to do something. I'm being ravaged with vengefulness. I just want to make this fuck pay. But how can I?