Let Me Die In Chaos

I'd like to warn everyone that I love to stay away from me right now, but it's total insanity because at the the same time I need them all. It doesn't make a bit of damn sense. As I type this, I'm not even sober enough to stand. I hid my phone from myself so that I wouldn't call anyone and tell them to stay away from me. Earlier tonight I just wanted to start a fight or walk into traffic. I was confused as to which I would decide on doing, so I just ran, I literally ran... I've never been like this.
After I got home I tried to go to sleep, but every time I began to drift off I had extremely vivid nightmares that my friends were beating me up and that my boyfriend was helping them. So here I am, at 7:30am, still awake and drunk. This can't end well.
MY poor, poor boyfriend. My poor, poor friends. I just wanted to be mean. Burn another bridge. Cut them all off... so it will be easier for me to die. Really, that's what this is all about. I'm preparing for my death.
I'm more fucked up than a soup sandwich. MY lips are sore. I've bitten them into two bloody lumps of exposed flesh on my face...without amphetamines. Just so that I wouldn't say or do anything to hurt anyone. What the fuck??? I don't even understand myself right now.

Have A Very Happy VD, Y'all...(vids & commentary)

This is Mr. Henry Charles Bukowski, one of my favorite poets...in a drunken arguement with his then fiance, Linda. I hate to say it, but I have been guilty of being the Bukowski in a couple of my early relationships...but Jesus, I learned how to stop being such an immature turd, this guy's, like, in his late fifties here. Then again, with Uncle Buke being the tortured soul and ugly man that he was, he didn't even have a real girlfriend until he was in his mid twenties. On top of that, he ended up becoming famous, and that always changes everything.



This tiny, short little bit of an interview really made me think about all of the loves of my past, and of course, about my current and future relationships. Looking back on the boys I once lived with or even dated compared to the man I live with now, it seems like the one I have now came from a different planet than they did. It's so true that the older you get the deeper love you need...deeper in the respect that one needs a higher level of understanding, a different kind of attatchment, and a new sort of companionship and comfort that your first loves never seem to measure up to. This is one reason why I can't understand why anyone would want to, for instance, marry their high school sweetheart. As one matures, I believe that their unions, friendships, sex, and the needs and wants also mature, and morph as we grow older. If anyone really ever actually finds someone on the first try that does that without any otherworldly influence, it has to be a miracle of sorts...and I'm not even sure if I believe in miracles.



Just watch and listen to the story...I shouldn't have to explain it...it's all here.



Whoever did this...nice job, man... I get it.



I was just gonna post the love scene that from this movie with this song, but youtube is stupid...there isn't even any nudity in it!!! But anyway, it's my favorite love scene from a movie...for some reason I have a real problem with heterosexual love scenes...they just hardly ever seem like they have any significance to the rest of the film and usually are put in there for gratuitous purposes. I'm even more biased when it comes to girl love because in my opinion, when it's real, it's the purest, most sweet and emotional form of love there is. Think about it, all of the raw emotion that a woman naturally possesses bound with another woman's passionate longing and impulsivity... I just can't find anything dirty about it.



I KIND OF know what a situation like this is like as far as not being able to be with someone you love and having to deal with them being in your life, then you need the next best thing so you end up banging their best friend or sibling, and, of course, there not being a god damned thing you can do to make it go away...but I've never been in love with anyone I'm adoptively related to...that must suck...



I'm not that big of a fan of this movie, but I say this kind of shit to my boyfriend almost every day... Doesn't anyone else feel that way, ya know, when something's so fucking cute you feel like it shouldn't exist or needs to be destroyed?

My love/hate relationship with cock bearers

I love me a good dose of penis. I can't lie and say that I don't. However, I hate the way the male's mind works. I hate that just because a guy knows I love vagina they automatically assume I have the same taste (or lack therof) in women that they do. I'm tired of getting the elbow nudge and point over a generic-ass hot girl like "hey, look at that". Nigga, like I give a fuck. I don't know that bitch and there's nothing interesting about the fact that she has what every swingin' dick would consider hot. It's hard to explain, but I'll do my best to. Men have no taste when it comes to what they consider attractive. Anything thin and dressed like a skank can be labelled as beautiful by a man where for a woman to be considered "hot" by my standards, I have to hear them speak in order to determine whether or not they're intelligent, they have to have distinctive features in the face and body, and they have to have a tasteful sense of style. I'm also a face person. No matter how much I love big bouncy titties and asses, that isn't worth a fuck to me if the girl possessing them doesn't have an interesting face to go along with it. In fact, I can ignore a girl's fat rolls, cellulite, scars, and other physical flaws if she has a pretty face. As far as television, pornography, and other imagery goes, anything displaying a bunch of naked, bikini-clad, striiper-clothed, or lingerie-draped sluts is a huge turn on for dudes, when I just consider hoez like that a dime-a-dozen, completely non-intriguing, and boring. I'm so tired of fucking MAN shows full of "hot" girls and dumb MAN jokes.

Aside from all of the physical attraction bullshit, men make some of the dumbest excuses for their behavior. In fact, the only excuse they have more times than not is simply "I did (whatever) cos, uhm, well, I'm a dude." I don't understand how a dude can stick his dick in a bitch that he despises. There ain't no way in hell I'd let anyone I hate get near my genitals nor would I get near theirs. I don't care how hard up I am. My sexual oraphices are special to me and I have to have some level of respect for someone to allow them to reap the benefits they are capable of giving. As women, we of course all have the fear of being labelled the "nagging bitch" by our significant others. To a guy the term "nagging bitch" could mean that a female simply opened her mouth, acknowledged the fact that she felt an emotion, or had an opinion. I'm not denying the fact that there are naggy women out there...but for every one of them there are just as many naggy, or should I say whiney-ass dudes. I'm also so sick of men being allowed to make inappropriate comments in our presence about other women or about us. Unless we respond with a giggle or no response at all, then we're "over-reacting", or "blowing things out of proportion". Never mind the fact that our feelings may have been hurt. "Sorry, honey, I'M A GUY..." Fuck you. How would y'all like it if we complained to your face about an inconsistency in your sexual performance, pointed out your physical flaws, or talked about how wet we got over another guy? You know god damned good and well you'd get your feelings hurt and that you would probably make a comment about it in one way or another. However, if a woman does this, you guys disregard the fact that she's HUMAN and credit our reaction to being female. I like to think that I'm pretty good about judging when and where my opinions are wanted or needed, but I still fall victim to this whole dilemma.
As far as the "I'm a guy" crap goes, I don't think men would like it too much if every time we fucked up we just shrugged our shoulders and said our actions were taken out of having a cunt.

Men are fucking nasty, inconsiderate, ignorant, selfish sluts.

YOUR Vagina

Many women despair about the size, shape, and color of their genitals. Most men believe total myths surrounding the appearance and sexual effects and performance of a woman's vagina. For instance, the whole myth concerning looseness/tightness. "Slutty women are loose, if a woman has had sex with a lot of men, then her vaginal opening/canal is considerably wider than a woman who has had fewer sexual partners..." -bull fucking shit. The size of a woman's vagina is something she's born with. Kegels don't make your vagina "tighter", it simply strengthens the muscles within it which can cause a more dramatic "grip" if you will whenever the vagina's involuntary and forced contractions occur during intercourse. Don't feel bad about yourself if your vagina's opening is large. Don't make your twat sore incessantly excersizing it, don't cry if a guy talks about your stuff being loose to his dumbfuck friends, there's a simple solution to this problem-GET YOURSELF A BIGGER DICK TO FUCK.

There's another myth about excess labia. Men have gone off of the illusion of what's in pornographic magazines that a cunt is supposed to be nothing more than a hairless crack. First of all, porno mags airbrush labia out of the shots. It seems to me that men don't even look at the women they sleep with's vaginas, which is ridiculous. Girls, there is absilutely NOTHING wrong with you if you have excesss labia. In fact, I think it's kind of dumb to call it "excess"...it's there, most smaller woman have it, and it's part of their vagina. Adding the word "excess" to it just makes it seem like it's a malignant growth, something that's supposed to be cut off or that gets in the way or tripped over. That, too is ridiculous.
Some women feel the need to excessively fill their poor little love mittens full of powders, creams, and douches out of fear that some asshole guy is going to broadcast that they stink down there. A vagina is its own little eco system full of ever present fungi, enzymes and bacteria that are needed to keep a chemical balance that is necessary to fight infections that can occur in the vagina, felopian tubes, urethra, urinary tract, and bladder. Every vagina has a scent. Sometimes the scent is stronger based on your diet, hair type, and evironment, but, unless it smells like something rancid or EXTREMELY fishy, there's nothing wrong with it and it is actually worse for your "works" to fill it full of chemicals constantly. Sweatiness is yucky, but if you're worried about sweat and moisture apply a bit of anti-perspirant to the surrounding area. It isn't necessary to shove anything full of germ killing chemicals inside of you. The germs in your lady glove are there for a reason. It isn't supposed to smell like a rose garden. Your butthole stinks, too, but do you give yourselves enimas daily to make it "fresh"? No, you don't, and if you do, there's something wrong with you. One thing that can make you smelly down there is a dirty penis or internal ejaculation, but guys don't ever feel pressed to shove stuff in their pisshole or douse it in antisceptic solutions on a consistent basis, now do they?
Give your vagina a name and ignore anyone who bad mouths it. Mine's named Pinkerton, and I love it. Be good to it. Take care of it. Give it a break. It's YOURS, not anyone else's.