Let Me Die In Chaos

I'd like to warn everyone that I love to stay away from me right now, but it's total insanity because at the the same time I need them all. It doesn't make a bit of damn sense. As I type this, I'm not even sober enough to stand. I hid my phone from myself so that I wouldn't call anyone and tell them to stay away from me. Earlier tonight I just wanted to start a fight or walk into traffic. I was confused as to which I would decide on doing, so I just ran, I literally ran... I've never been like this.
After I got home I tried to go to sleep, but every time I began to drift off I had extremely vivid nightmares that my friends were beating me up and that my boyfriend was helping them. So here I am, at 7:30am, still awake and drunk. This can't end well.
MY poor, poor boyfriend. My poor, poor friends. I just wanted to be mean. Burn another bridge. Cut them all off... so it will be easier for me to die. Really, that's what this is all about. I'm preparing for my death.
I'm more fucked up than a soup sandwich. MY lips are sore. I've bitten them into two bloody lumps of exposed flesh on my face...without amphetamines. Just so that I wouldn't say or do anything to hurt anyone. What the fuck??? I don't even understand myself right now.